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Episode 23/Transcript
(Brittnay and Than walk into a movie theater) Brittnay: Alright, rule number one: you're paying for everything. Than: Fine. Rule number two: Don't interrupt the movie with all mouth on mouth crap. Brittnay: Do you mean kissing? Than: Yep. Brittnay: Okay. Fine. Whatever. Rule number three: If I find a guy that's more attractive than you, I'm going to go talk to them. Than: Ditto for me. Brittnay: What? Than: I mean, I mean, with girls. That rule, I mean, the one you just said, with a girl... for me. Brittnay: Fine. Than: Me on a girl. Brittnay: But seriously, who are you gonna find here that's more attractive than me? Than: Pssh... says the pot. To me, the kettle. Um, calling me black. Like, I'm the pot, you're the kettle... you're calling me black. Brittnay: Yeah I got it. Than: Yeah, okay, so. Great, good, glorious. Brittnay: Great. Now go buy me some fucking junior mints. I'm going to the bathroom. Than: Wait, are you going number one or are you taking a shit? Brittnay: The fuck did you just ask me? Than: Are you going to the lazy river or log jammer? Brittnay: Okay, you've just gone way too far. Than: I just want to know if I have enough time to play Cruising USA. Brittnay: All I'm going in there to do is take stock of the other girls that are here and make sure that I'm prettiest. Than: Alright so definitely at least one round. Nice. Thank you. (Tristan and Tanner are seen walking along) Tanner: Real talk, T: I bet you Dwayne Johnson would be a bottom. Tristan: Oh T, anybody who spends the majority of his adult life in speedos and boots is definitely a bottom. Oh my god, I'm so bad! Tanner: I wouldn't mind putting my Rock in his Bottom! Tristan: Oh my god, you're so bad! Tanner: Thank you! Tristan: Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you? Have gay sex! Than: Oh hey, Tanner... Tanner... Tanner... Tan-man... Tan the man... Tanner... Tanner... Tanny... Tanny boy! Tanner: Goddammit. Hey Jonathan, what's going on? Than: What's going on is Than just scored himself a big win at the claw machine. Check out the puppy. Cute little fuck. Tristan: Oh, Tanner, I don't believe I've had the pleasure of being introduced to your shirtless friend— Tanner: Tristan, this is Jona— Than: Ububub—! Tanner: Tristan, Than. Than: Than, right? Just rolls right off the tongue, right. Than. Tristan: Oh yes, just right off the tongue and right into somebody's mouth, Than. Than: I just told my mom that yesterday, that's so funny. So are you one of Tanner's football buddies? Tristan: Well, I suppose we do play with a lot of balls, don't we sweetie? Tanner: Uh, Tristan- Tristan: But no, I don't really play football myself. I'm more of an ice dancer man. Than: Oh cool. Yeah I don't play football either. A little too gay if you ask me! All those butts, and those pants, and all those dudes slapping the butts that are in the pants and um, Tom Brady, and I don't know, wait what were we talking about? Tanner: So Jonathan, um, do you come to movie theaters by yourself often? Than: Ha, funny Tanner! I just so happen to be here with a girl! Tristan: (laughing) Wait why am I the only one laughing? That wasn't a joke? Isn't he, uh— Tanner: Yeah but he doesn't really— Tristan: Awwww, oh— Tanner: Mmhmm, yeah— Than: Uh what are we even doing right now> Tristan: Oh nothing sweetie, just—so, uh, what are you and your little ladyfriend here to see? Than: The new Ryan Gosling movie. Tristan: Oh that's nice. Which one? Than: I don't know, I stopped reading after the Ryan Gosling part. Does it matter? Tristan: No, sweetie, not to you. Not to you. Than: So what are you guys doing, guys' night? Tristan: Yes, well, I guess you could say that. Tanner: We just saw Pain & Gain. Than: Aw man, I've been dying to see that! Tanner: Of course you have. Than: Was it good? Tristan: Oh, it was fabulous! Than: Lots of action? Tristan: Lots of action! Than: How were the pecs? Lots of built bodies right, dudes taking their shirts off, hitting each other and shit— Tanner: Yes, yes yes yes, Than, there were definitely a lot of those, buddy. Than: Yeah, I don't know if you can tell, but I'm kind of fitness enthusiast myself. Tristan: Oh trust me, sweetie, I was able to tell the minute I met you. Brittnay: Oh hi Tanner, hi Tanner's boyfriend. Where are my junior mints? Than: Wait, wha—what the hell did you just say? Brittnay: I asked you where the fuck my Junior Mints were, I told you buy me a pack before I went to the bathroom. Than: Yeah, and then right before that you said what? Brittnay: I was saying hi to Tanner and his boyfriend. Where the fuck are my mints? Than: Wait, Tanner, whoa, you said you guys were having a dudes' night? Tanner: Oh, we are Jonathan. Tristan: Yup, just a night out for two dudes that involves the gayest movie of the summer and the best beej of this one's life! Tanner: Oh! Than: Wait, so what you're saying to me, from your mouths, is that Tristan, you are Tanner's under— Brittnay: Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me? You didn't even buy me junior mints. Will you give me your wallet! (Brittnay goes off) Tanner: I've got to say, Jonathan, that's quite the beard you've got there. Than: Aw thanks, I haven't shaved in a few weeks. I'm going for a Gosling. Tristan: Oh aren't we all honey! Than: So wait, before we spend too much time talking about my beard, and I do want to circle back to that. So you're telling me that the two of you have um— Tanner: Go on. Have what, Jonathan? Than: Um, the two of you have— Tanner: Mmhmm. Than: With both of your— Tanner: Go ahead. Than: On... one of you takes— Tristan: Yes— Than: Over— Tristan: Yes, sweetie, we'll be doing "um" with each other multiple times tonight! Than: Oh, uh, cool. I mean, gross. Ugh, what, oh, how does that work? Exactly? Tanner: You really want to know, don't you? Than: What, no, yes, kind of. No, I want to know what to watch out for when I'm having my sex, which is great, with Brittnay. All the time. (Brittnay comes back over with a drink and Junior Mints) Brittnay: There, was that that fucking hard? I also bought myself an ICEE. Because Lord knows I deserve it. What are we talking about? Tristan: Oh, your boyfriend was just telling us about all the sex you two have been having all the time. Brittnay: Right, yeah, we—we have all the sex. All of it. Only in my butt though. I'm not a whore. Tristan: I guess that makes me a fucking nun! Brittnay: Oh god, yeah sooooo much sex. Tristan: Really? Than: Yes, why is that so hard to believe? Tristan: Oh sweetie, because you're gayer than Perez Hilton's asshole! Brittnay: What? Than: What? Brittnay: No he's not! Than: No he's not! No, I'm not, me, I'm not, no, what, no. Tanner: Oh come on Than, what straight man walks around all day every day without his shirt on? Than: Uh, gee, let me think. Uh, Matthew McConaughey? Channing Tatum? Joe Mangianello? Tanner: Uh, you do realize you're just listing off cast members of Magic Mike? Than: Oh I'm sorry, was that the name of that movie? I thought it was called the bible. Besides, shirts are constricting. I'm not about constricting. I'm like letting it loose. I'm like being out there. I let it happen. Free nips and free hips, that's me. Tristan: I couldn't agree more. I'm letting it happen right now! (Tristan swings his shirt around) Brittnay: Alright, first of all, you are fucking adorable and I love everything about you. Tristan: Oh my god. Right back at you, bitch! Brittnay: Oh my god you're the bitch you bitch! Tristan: No you're the bitch! Brittnay: Bitch! Tristan: Bitch! Than: Someone call me bitch. Tanner: Ok! We get it! You're all bitches. Brittnay: Okay. Second of all, we are going to have to resume this conversation about my boy—about Than's sexuality at a later time. Because the conversation's ridiculous, and because the movie is starting and if I miss the previews, I'm going to shove these junior mints dead in someone's ass! Than: Hello. Tristan: Mmmm... well that sounds like a party. Than, you sure you don't want to come back to my place and play tummy sticks with us? Than: Um, I mean— Tanner: Tristan! Don't tease. Tristan: I'm kidding! It was a joke. Besides, you know I take monogamy very seriously. (Tanner and Tristan make out) Brittnay: (off-screen) Than! Than: Yeah right so sorry—I was just—I wasn't—they weren't—hey babe they were just kidding about tummy sticks! It was a joke. Right it was just—Yeah, it was totally a just a joke. Still cute as fuck.